Early morning rant

Dear back,

I hate you. It's 4:20 a.m., and I'm wide awake. My feet have been hurting badly for more than 2 hours and my pain medication is really not helping. You are making my life miserable. Give me a break, please.

See, I have this thing called a job that requires me to get up super early and be awake all day. You are really making this difficult, if not impossible, some days.

No love from me,

Later today I have an appointment with a neurosurgeon to see what, if anything, needs to be done about my back. My MRI results were rather disturbing, I thought. There are disc problems above and below where they did the surgery seven years ago. My pain management doctor said it appears to long-standing damage -- she told me that because of the pain issues I am having, she expected the damage to be more recent. I don't know what to think. Was my first surgery messed up or has my back just continued to get worse since? If it's been getting worse, how? I don't do anything that could cause injury! WTF?

I am so, so scared that I will need another surgery. Maybe it will help. But if something happens and I end up worse, I don't know how I will deal with it. I've been worse -- after the first surgery, I didn't have hardly any sensation from the waist down. I needed help with everything - I couldn't dress myself, roll over, use the bathroom or get in or out of bed by myself. It was the absolute lowest point of my life. I've never been more depressed. I've made quite a bit of progress since, but of course I'm not back to normal. There's the whole wheelchair thing. And of course, the pain is always present.

I'm not sure what's going to happen. Wish me luck.

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